Mattiesko Investigates: Recorders are a Good Instrument

19 08 2011

So if there’s one thing I care about in my superficial sham of a life, it’s my reputation as a nice guy.  So imagine my surprise when my mother challenged my reputation as a totally nice guy, on the grounds that it was dick of me to re-gift my dinky awesome recorder to my sister for Christmas II.  Christmas II is the special bonus Christmas we have in June to accommodate for my family’s moral objections to Easter.  My mom said recorders suck and are shitty instruments, and the only response my beleaguered brain could deliver in return was “no way Mom fuck you recorders are awesome.”  Now that I’ve had some time to return to emotional zen by spinning some Nick Drake and burning some nag champa incense in my tranquility cubby, I’ve decided that the most mature thing to do in this situation would be to address my personal issue indirectly through a blog where I can openly attack my mom’s opinion of recorders without a way for her to provide an adequate defense for her standpoint on this polarizing issue.  Thusly, I’ve prepared a number of points as to why I so feel so passionately pro-recorder.

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Mattiesko Investigates: True Homies

22 08 2010

A lot of the finest things in life are vastly under-appreciated: aged wine, jazz, Victorian architecture, jailbait, but most under-appreciated of all are the homies.  I got to thinking about it, and homies are so much more than an obnoxious line of collectible figurines depicting grotesquely hyperbolized ethnic stereotypes, they’re also people you’re acquaintances with.  You may be thinking, “I have plenty of people I’m acquaintances with, Mattie-boy, but there are no such that I have ever referred to as a homie!”  Well, reader, worry not!  You most certainly have homies; “homie” is just one of many words to describe this quintessential part of life, and you probably know them à la a different vernacular.  Allow me to help.  If you’re black, you know them as your brothers; if you’re white, you know them as your bros; if you’re Asian, then you don’t actually have any of these.  That’s right: homies are friends.  And these friend-homies with which we chill can be snatched away from us in an instant; they can be taken from us by the gentle kiss of an AK-47, or the harsh, unforgiving reality of staph infection (Rest In Paradise Lil*L0ko–you will be missed fondly).  This can happen in the blink of an instant in which you blink your eye, and that means we all must straight up cherish the time that we spend with our precious, our few true homies.

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Mattiesko Investigates: Tetris (4/20 Special)

20 04 2010

First and foremost, if you take a gander over at your calendar, you will find that it’s a very important day for a select group of people: a group of people who have been discriminated, time and time again, by unconstitutional laws which are unfairly forced upon us by the government.  This group of like-minded individuals chooses this specific day of our calendar every year to make harmless celebrations for what they believe in, and all they ever get from it is more hatred from international news conglomerates.  They are among us at work and at school, they live in our neighborhoods, and they deserve just as much respect as you or me.  I’m, of course, talking about…

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Mattiesko Investigates: Why Nauru is the Greatest Country of ALL TIME

22 12 2009

This may come off a surprise to you, but my primary source for every article is Wikipedia, as is especially the case for this article.  The wiki page for the Republic of Nauru , in spite of what any English teacher would tell you, is the number one resource for finding anything you were wondering about this proud nation.  And let me just say, this shit writes itself.  Unlike most all of my other blogs, this one is going to be 100% factually correct 100% factually correct according to Wikipedia, and in the case of the grand nation of Nauru, truth is stranger than fiction.  Here are my top five reasons why Nauru is the greatest country of all time (according to Wikipedia!).

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Mattiesko Investigates: Why I am ALWAYS the Thimble when I Play Monopoly

19 12 2009

i’ll crack your back for you if you let me have your park place square, bro.

I’m not going to lie, Monopoly is a complex game. There has never been a recorded instance of anyone completing a game of Monopoly without making up a rule of their own or dramatically changing the dynamics of the game by fucking robbing the bank or some shit; I myself am guilty of this from time to time. But there’s one thing that even the most greenhorn-ed Monopolist doesn’t hesitate to lip off about, and that’s the tokens.  It’s all about the tokens.  The g-money.  The shiny.  In order to prove beyond a doubt that the thimble is the superior Monopoly token, I’d like to provide you with some history about this noble game. Read the rest of this entry »

Mattiesko Investigates: 100% Guaranteed Ways to FUCK UP Your Future Children Beyond Rehabilitation

19 12 2009

I plan on having a lot of kids. A lot of kids. I’m talking a Mormon-on-ecstasy lot of kids, and why? Is it to ensure that the next generation of Americans will have enough competent, responsible, and well-to-do men and women to handle the nation’s many debts and obligations? Read the rest of this entry »