UCSB Word Cloud

5 04 2012

Hey all, I’m not sure if this has been made apparent but I attend UC Santa Barbara, one of the most unfortunately beautiful universities in the United States.  Why unfortunate?  Well, Isla Vista’s combination of an ajacent beach and nice enough weather for dudes to wear tanks is like flypaper for douchebags.  I’ve spent many hours trudging through the mass of faded partygoers that is IV, and consequently, have wallowed through enough dry conversation to desiccate my ears into flakey masses of withered skin.  Here is my mock word cloud of any given conversation that occurs between any given number of UCSB students.

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Mattiesko Investigates: Recorders are a Good Instrument

19 08 2011

So if there’s one thing I care about in my superficial sham of a life, it’s my reputation as a nice guy.  So imagine my surprise when my mother challenged my reputation as a totally nice guy, on the grounds that it was dick of me to re-gift my dinky awesome recorder to my sister for Christmas II.  Christmas II is the special bonus Christmas we have in June to accommodate for my family’s moral objections to Easter.  My mom said recorders suck and are shitty instruments, and the only response my beleaguered brain could deliver in return was “no way Mom fuck you recorders are awesome.”  Now that I’ve had some time to return to emotional zen by spinning some Nick Drake and burning some nag champa incense in my tranquility cubby, I’ve decided that the most mature thing to do in this situation would be to address my personal issue indirectly through a blog where I can openly attack my mom’s opinion of recorders without a way for her to provide an adequate defense for her standpoint on this polarizing issue.  Thusly, I’ve prepared a number of points as to why I so feel so passionately pro-recorder.

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Wilfred’s Wonderful People: David Liebe Hart (with bonus DLH Mixtape!)

22 05 2011

Salamé, all. I’ve got a very awesome new wonderful person to tell you about, he is a personal friend.  You probably read the words personal friend and then looked up at that picture of David Liebe Hart and then looked back down at the words personal friend and thought “no, it couldn’t be.”  Well it could be.  Because yesterday, I met David Liebe Hart, who we all know from his role as himself in the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, probably the greatest television program in existence.

Anyway, him and I are personal friends now, and this is a big deal because he is the first famous person I’ve ever met.  Allow me to explain what twists of fate brought us to cross paths.

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Bad Music Jokes

9 05 2011

Happy Birthday to me, everybody!  Every birthday I am reminded of my vast material wealth as I spend days upon days deliberating and ruminating about what to get myself.  I own everything I want in life!  Bop It?  Own it.  Shake Weight?  Not with these flab-free forearms.  Slap Chop?  Of course I fucking own a Slap Chop, I typed this whole post up with a Slap Chop.  But then it dawned on me that like the love of my parents, what I want for my birthday is something that cannot be bought, it can only be begged for!  So I beg of you, readers, to fulfill my birthday wish and pretend that these horrendously nonsensical music jokes are funny.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote them, but the end result ranged between inane music references and anti-jokes.  Some of them kind of make sense,some of them don’t at all.  But whatever they are, I wrote them all down in a text file and I can’t just bring myself to delete them now.  So hopefully you can help them find a home in the quaggiest depths of the Internet, amongst a gloomy morass of pity laughter awkward pats on the back.  It’ll be just like my 12th birthday (which is somewhere in the top 5 btw, I haven’t made a specific order yet)!

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Wilfred’s Wonderful People: “Samuel Verasforzza”

1 11 2010

It’s not often that Internet trolls get to me–the Internet Hate Machine’s left me far too jaded to be bothered by that shit.  But a while back, my friend, who from henceforth on shall be referred to as Steve D., showed me some comments in a youtube video that were far more retarded than the average youtube comment.  And that is saying a lot.  But before I dive right in with how I got to know this guy,  verasforzza, here is a history lesson.  It all started with this video about about two cars… racing… or some shit.  I don’t know, that’s not my thing.

But quite some time after the video’s posting, a real doucher hit the scene.  All it took was one comment from this guy for the shitstorm to fire up—by the way, I should note that Steve D. and I weren’t the first ones to come across this abortion retard homo; that credit supposedly goes to  Vetteburna.  I can now only imagine the horrified look on poor Vetteburna’s face as his innocent day of watching car videos on youtube was ruined by what is arguably the worst Youtube video comment of all time.  And little did he know at that time that said comment would later ignite a flaming volcano of “holy-shit-somebody-is-wrong-on-the-Internet” fire.  A full-on flaming occurred, and if you’re willing to search through the forever shifting sands of Youtube comments, you can find a full archive of this.  But for those of you without the patience to do so, I invite you to follow me on a journey of faggotry…

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Mattiesko Investigates: True Homies

22 08 2010

A lot of the finest things in life are vastly under-appreciated: aged wine, jazz, Victorian architecture, jailbait, but most under-appreciated of all are the homies.  I got to thinking about it, and homies are so much more than an obnoxious line of collectible figurines depicting grotesquely hyperbolized ethnic stereotypes, they’re also people you’re acquaintances with.  You may be thinking, “I have plenty of people I’m acquaintances with, Mattie-boy, but there are no such that I have ever referred to as a homie!”  Well, reader, worry not!  You most certainly have homies; “homie” is just one of many words to describe this quintessential part of life, and you probably know them à la a different vernacular.  Allow me to help.  If you’re black, you know them as your brothers; if you’re white, you know them as your bros; if you’re Asian, then you don’t actually have any of these.  That’s right: homies are friends.  And these friend-homies with which we chill can be snatched away from us in an instant; they can be taken from us by the gentle kiss of an AK-47, or the harsh, unforgiving reality of staph infection (Rest In Paradise Lil*L0ko–you will be missed fondly).  This can happen in the blink of an instant in which you blink your eye, and that means we all must straight up cherish the time that we spend with our precious, our few true homies.

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Friend or Foe: Getting a Speeding Ticket

12 07 2010

Okay, so before I get started, I have to apologize for my brief absence.  May and June were busy months and I really wasn’t around to drop any bloggage to my readers; don’t whip your cocks out just yet though because I’m still going to be busy as fuck for a while, but hey I’ve managed to hook you all up with a fantastic new Wavves album and and some article about scarecrows since then.  And now I’m gonna give you a rundown on the question of the hour, which–by the way, I should add, serves as no indication to my feelings on authority figures, nor as an example of the many horrible setbacks that have prevented me from seducing you all with my sweet, sweet calligraphy… where was I?  Oh, right.  Getting a speeding ticket: is it friend or foe?

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