Mattiesko Investigates: Recorders are a Good Instrument

19 08 2011

So if there’s one thing I care about in my superficial sham of a life, it’s my reputation as a nice guy.  So imagine my surprise when my mother challenged my reputation as a totally nice guy, on the grounds that it was dick of me to re-gift my dinky awesome recorder to my sister for Christmas II.  Christmas II is the special bonus Christmas we have in June to accommodate for my family’s moral objections to Easter.  My mom said recorders suck and are shitty instruments, and the only response my beleaguered brain could deliver in return was “no way Mom fuck you recorders are awesome.”  Now that I’ve had some time to return to emotional zen by spinning some Nick Drake and burning some nag champa incense in my tranquility cubby, I’ve decided that the most mature thing to do in this situation would be to address my personal issue indirectly through a blog where I can openly attack my mom’s opinion of recorders without a way for her to provide an adequate defense for her standpoint on this polarizing issue.  Thusly, I’ve prepared a number of points as to why I so feel so passionately pro-recorder.

  • Totally Hipster

Need some explanation for this one?  Peep this Youtube vid.

These children are totally going to be the next generation of twee-poppers who dress like math teachers and make lo-fi Newbreed music out of their bedrooms.  The girls will have boy haircuts, and the boys will have mustaches.  They will make music about an infinite combination of jangly guitars, ukulele chords, and their kickass $1.00 whistles.  A lot of legit-ass twee-boppers actually use recorders in their music, including The Boy Least Likely To, and… well that’s maybe pretty much it.  Oh and I definitely heard some familiar, shrill tweets every time I listen to The Unicorns’ Who Will Cut Our Hair When We Die?.

  • Alarmingly Sexy
I’ll be the first to admit it, recorders can be uncharacteristically concupiscent.  I suppose that applies to all instruments, but something about the recorder is… different.  Maybe it’s their phallic shape, or maybe it’s the fact that they require “fingering charts,” but recorders are just extra sexy (sextry!).

oh yeah. that gets my G sharp!

Think back to your favorite movie about high school, or if you didn’t go to high school in an artichoke field like I did, think about actual high school.  Remember the stereotypical band geek?  Sex addict.  Like the kind they always get Molly Shannon to play (unrelated side note: I’ve been getting Molly Shannon name mixed up with Molly Ringwald for what is apparently a really long time).  And like the lingering aroma of a perfumed lover, the sweet, raucous whine of a recorder is like a personal aphrodisiac for hormonal bandcampers.  And hormonal bandcamp.com users who are trying to get more people to scrobble their new Garage Band opus!

  • Dual Function

Let’s say you don’t have any musical talent, but you are vulnerable to rogue sexual encounters.  Well guess what.  Recorders can also be used as a standard-pitch rape whistle!  Check out this simple listener’s chart to hear what the different notes on a rape recorder sexual jeopardy whistle mean from a possible victim of sex crime:

D- I fear being taken advantage of

C- I am at risk of being taken advantage of

B- I am being taken advantage of, but the situation is not life threatening

A- I am being taken advantage of, and the situation is life threatening, please help

G-  Please!  Drop everything and help me!

BB CDD CBA GG AB B AA- Ode to Joy

The rest of the notes are negligible.


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