Bad Music Jokes

9 05 2011

Happy Birthday to me, everybody!  Every birthday I am reminded of my vast material wealth as I spend days upon days deliberating and ruminating about what to get myself.  I own everything I want in life!  Bop It?  Own it.  Shake Weight?  Not with these flab-free forearms.  Slap Chop?  Of course I fucking own a Slap Chop, I typed this whole post up with a Slap Chop.  But then it dawned on me that like the love of my parents, what I want for my birthday is something that cannot be bought, it can only be begged for!  So I beg of you, readers, to fulfill my birthday wish and pretend that these horrendously nonsensical music jokes are funny.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote them, but the end result ranged between inane music references and anti-jokes.  Some of them kind of make sense,some of them don’t at all.  But whatever they are, I wrote them all down in a text file and I can’t just bring myself to delete them now.  So hopefully you can help them find a home in the quaggiest depths of the Internet, amongst a gloomy morass of pity laughter awkward pats on the back.  It’ll be just like my 12th birthday (which is somewhere in the top 5 btw, I haven’t made a specific order yet)!

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What did the librarian say to the hotel clerk?
I really like Joy Division.

How many Radiohead albums are there?
Enough.

What’s pink, 2,300 feet deep, and gets my dick wet?
Loveless.

Jim Morrison walks into a bar.

When did my mom figure out I was gay?
When she noticed I listen to Sunny Day Real Estate.

Why did Elliott Smith kill himself?
Because he thought it would be funny.

Why did my grandma kill herself?
Because she listened to Into the Aeroplane Over the Sea.

How do you make Witch House?
With witch bricks.

What do you get when you mix a subliminal weight loss program, a ’90s economics lecture, and a petting zoo?
A new album by The Books.

How do you confuse a blond?
With early Animal Collective.

What do you get when you mix Joanna Newsom with Justin Verson?
I don’t know, but keep it away from Kanye West.

What is Brian Eno’s favorite color?
Mauve.

Why is there no aspirin in the rainforest?
People don’t listen to Wavves in the rainforest.

Why are there 69 tracks on the Magnetic Fields’ 69 Love Songs?
Because Stephen Merritt didn’t want to write 70 songs for one album.

What’s the difference between Kraftwerk and Adolf Hitler?
One of them was responsible for the Holocaust.

Why have I been namedropping Sufjan Stevens so much lately?
Because I’m trying to hook up with your mom.

What did the clown say when he lost his copy of Slint’s Spiderland?
“Has anyone seen my copy of Spiderland?”

Have you ever heard of R. Stevie Moore?
Me neither.

Ask me who the best band in the world is.
Blink-182.


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