Mattiesko Investigates: True Homies

22 08 2010

A lot of the finest things in life are vastly under-appreciated: aged wine, jazz, Victorian architecture, jailbait, but most under-appreciated of all are the homies.  I got to thinking about it, and homies are so much more than an obnoxious line of collectible figurines depicting grotesquely hyperbolized ethnic stereotypes, they’re also people you’re acquaintances with.  You may be thinking, “I have plenty of people I’m acquaintances with, Mattie-boy, but there are no such that I have ever referred to as a homie!”  Well, reader, worry not!  You most certainly have homies; “homie” is just one of many words to describe this quintessential part of life, and you probably know them à la a different vernacular.  Allow me to help.  If you’re black, you know them as your brothers; if you’re white, you know them as your bros; if you’re Asian, then you don’t actually have any of these.  That’s right: homies are friends.  And these friend-homies with which we chill can be snatched away from us in an instant; they can be taken from us by the gentle kiss of an AK-47, or the harsh, unforgiving reality of staph infection (Rest In Paradise Lil*L0ko–you will be missed fondly).  This can happen in the blink of an instant in which you blink your eye, and that means we all must straight up cherish the time that we spend with our precious, our few true homies.

but seriously, that toy line is incredibly offensive and reminds me way too much of the city in which i grew up

“No matter who the foe they must fall, /
Us against them all; I’m down to brawl if my homies call.”

~2Pac Shakur

That’s right.  As my main man 2Pac put it, if we’re talking H to the O to the M to the I to the E, I’m down to the END.  And that’s that.  If you’ve made it this far into this article, you’re probably wondering why I’ve bothered to write it since everybody loves friends.  But you obviously don’t feel me.  I’m talking about true homies.  True homies are more than just friends, they are… well… let me answer that by showing you all what inspired this post:

ROSES ARE RED
DIAMONDS ARE BLUE
I WILL FIGHT ANY NIGGA
THAT FUCKS WITH U
NOW SEND THIS
TO EVERYONE WHOSE
BACK U GOT
+88_________________+880_______
_+880_______________++80_______
_++88_____homie____+880________
_++88_____________++88________
__+880___________++88_________
__+888_________++880__________
__++880_______++880___________
__++888_____+++880____________
__++8888__+++8880++88_________
__+++8888+++8880++8888________
___++888++8888+++888888+80____
___++88++8888++8888888++888___
___++++++888888fx88888888888___
____++++++88888888888888888___
____++++++++000888888888888___
_____+++++++00008f8888888888___
______+++++++00088888888888___
_______+++++++0888f8888888____
_______+++++++08888l888888____
________+++++++8888888888
HoMiEs TiLL ThE FuCkIn EnD !!
AnD AfTeR ThAt We StILL RiDe In H3AvEn!
ThIS Is A TeSt T0 SeE H0W MaNy H0M13S AnD
HoMeGiRlZ YoU GoT IN THIS CRAZY WORLD WhEn
YoU G3T ThIs SeNt ThiS TO TeN HoMIeS
InClUdInG ThE H0MiE ThAt SeNt It To0 YoU
If ThEy ArE A TrUe H0MiE To0

My main man Craig sent this to me.  And I sent it back to him (because he’s a true homie).  The statement itself is cryptic, but the message is clear.  Something about sending this copy/paste to your regular friend makes them true homies.  And it’s even more clear that I’ve failed this test, whatever the requirements are; I only sent it to one person, and I only received it from one person.  All the other true homies I thought I had now mean nothing to me.  Manuel, you know I took a bullet for you when we got jumped by a couple of norputos… but our homie-hood has been made fraudulent.  I know Manuel can’t read that because he’s in Heaven and illiterate, but you all can, and I am posting this for you.  Send that shit to all of your true homies, before it’s too late.

this is manny's memorial myspace page—the saddest thing about it is knowing that posting our love on it will bring him back to life.

If true homies like Manny are good enough for half of every bottle of King Cobra I rack, then they’re good enough for the few minutes it will take for you to reload MySpace a billion times to post this glorious blessing.  When I first saw that heartfelt message in my comment sections, it was the most beautiful moment of my entire life.  For such a strong message to be posted in such sincerity… it is truly a rare and beautiful moment of glowing passion in the cold, stoic life of a hard-ass thug.  But returning to the dilemma: some of you might not have many homies with Internet access.  Craig-rock has the meaniest, nastiest dial-up on the Lower East Side, but not all of my best homies are that lucky.  So for those readers, I offer a healthy alternative.  Make your homies feel special.  Spend time with them, invent a secret handshake, you know.  Homie stuff.

As my mother used to say “homie is where the heart is.”  So put your hand where your heart is and symbolically hold hands with your homie.  Then, open your mouth to softly pledge allegiance to the homie flag, because having a homie is loving America.


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2 responses

31 10 2010
USB to Serial :

the collectibel figurines that we have at home are quite rare and expensive .

15 08 2011
brittney

i luv homies!!!!!!!!

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