The Sad Truth: Scarecrows Aren’t Fooling Anyone

5 07 2010

What’s happening, my longstanding fans and fanning longstanders?  I’ll tell you what’s been on my mind in the first of what will be many posts for my new segment: The Sad Truth, where I will logically armwrestle misunderstanding and make it face the facts like it ought to.  This particular subject is sure to be something you all give a double rainbow fuck about, because this article is about the sad truth that scarecrows can’t scare crows worth shit.

I don’t even know who the fuck is responsible for the contemporary scarecrow design but it’s a total joke.  Hold on, I’m seriously just going to go look it up.

okay i didn't look it up lets say it was my pep-pep.

Whichever chump was responsible had no idea what the fuck they were talking about, and they probably just invented scarecrows to enliven the village slut, similar to how Billy Mays created Hercules Hooks (which are seriously awesome).  I don’t know if you’re familiar with crows, but they are fucking smart.  They use tools, which already makes them smarter than a toddler (stupid toddlers can’t even open my medicine bottles).  And they aren’t shy about that fact.  Have you ever seen Birds?  Crows are birds.  And if I could reference another outside source, an Israeli man was stalked for a week by one crow because this motherfucker picked up the bird’s chick—by which I am referring to a baby bird, not the bird’s woman.  These conniving fowls know that alone they can utterly rape mankind, so what the fuck was going on in the mind of the man who decided that installing some chumpy mannequin onto a cross would scare away an army of flying beasts that are smarter than Great Apes and at least twice as deadly?

THESE THINGS ARE SO KVLT PURE FUCKING EVIL.

Could the original scarecrow stuffer truly have pitched his hay doppelganger with the expectation of a lone, queerly-dispositioned farmer doll, with his stupid hipster suspenders, to ward off the badass of the sky?  I couldn’t even humor the thought of someone being that imbecile.  But perhaps history’s biggest clod actually stuck a scarecrow in his corn field for a smart reason, say psychological warfare… could the scarecrow’s actual duty be to impose a sense of morality on more introspective crows?  Could it be that crows are expected use their superior intellect to determine that the corn field below their swooping wings is actually the property of another sentient being, and is, by common decency, not within the boundaries of what they can rightfully take for their own sustenance?  Fuck no.  Crows are godless, self-serving monsters who abuse their power to mooch without reprise just like Karl Marx.

i say that to be funny but i actually love this motherfucker.

Psychological witchcraft is not something you’re gonna want to bet the farm on in this battle; I ask you to recall, was it not the raven (a member of the crow family) who drove a man to insanity when he wouldn’t stop quoth-ing “nevermore“?  See what I mean?  So there.  Seven rhetorical questions later, and I’m pretty sure I’ve got us thinking on the same page: you need to think outside the box if you want to come out on top against crows.  So let me give you an idea of how scarecrows should actually work.  The ideal bird nuisance would of course be The Scarecrow from Batman Begins.  He could scare crows away for sure, after all, he brandishes a fucking fear-toxin specifically to scare people, and assumedly, birds.

plus that mask's actually scary!

Of course the solution to your crop-loss problems doesn’t have to be that fucking insane.  Among other things, you could probably actually scare crows with something as simple as a dead crow left lifeless and tattered on the border of your farmland.  It would serve as a cheap and effective deterrent, as the lifeless eyes of your victim would shine to the crows a hallowing reminder of their own mortality.  Or you could buy a gun.  And you could use the gun to shoot down the flying black legion… or better yet, leave one survivor… and let him fly back to his crow king so he can tell him the horrible things he saw that day.

tits on ice, THIS is what i got when i googled "crow king"...

So, I’m not saying scarecrows are a shitty idea in general, I’m just saying you’ve gotta use your noodle if you want on that works.  Those buck-toothed Halloween decorations couldn’t scare my cat, and she flips a shit when I turn my head too fast; get smart, get angry, and most importantly, get back.

i leave you with golden-era cinema's archetypal faggoty scarecrow.


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