Mattiesko Investigates: Tetris (4/20 Special)

20 04 2010

First and foremost, if you take a gander over at your calendar, you will find that it’s a very important day for a select group of people: a group of people who have been discriminated, time and time again, by unconstitutional laws which are unfairly forced upon us by the government.  This group of like-minded individuals chooses this specific day of our calendar every year to make harmless celebrations for what they believe in, and all they ever get from it is more hatred from international news conglomerates.  They are among us at work and at school, they live in our neighborhoods, and they deserve just as much respect as you or me.  I’m, of course, talking about…


happy birthday mein führer, happy birthday to you!

And speaking of stoners, today I’m investigating something they probably love: Tetris.  But unlike most things high people like, you don’t have to be faded to the curb to enjoy Tetris.  In fact, that probably makes it worse because Tetris is like chess-boxing with God and he’s totally yoked and also knows a shit-ton about chess and stuff.  If you’ve played it before and you’re saying come on Matthew, it’s not really that hard then you need to shut the fuck up with your whore mouth because you don’t know shit.

unless of course you actually are good at tetris, in which case, no hard feelings, overlord.


But how fucking hard it is to be good at Tetris is just one of the reasons as to why it’s so damn spanky.  Take, for example, the fact that it’s plain filled with balls to the wall action.  Fuck every Call of Duty game.  Tetris is fucking balls to the wall.  What’s balls to the wall about it?  How about when you get to like level 9 and the tetriminos are just fucking flying onto the playing field at a million billion lightning bolt-miles per hour.  Where the fuck do they even come from?  I like to imagine that the big man upstairs just finished beating the shit out of a Rubik’s Cube and we’re taking out the trash—so to say.

this is what popped up when i image searched “balls to the wall”… fuck.

But wait there’s more.  Did you know that Tetris also has variations up the ass?  That’s right, Tetris is awesome like a deck of cards because there’s a fuck-ton of games you can play just from the concept alone.

Take, for example, Bastet (Bastard Tetris).  For those of you too lazy to click links, Bastard Tetris is your average game of Tetris with a fucking evil algorithm that determines the tetrimino to best suit your current playing field and intentionally denies you its use.  How awesome is that?  You can play an in-browser version here, but something tells me you won’t want to for long.

the tetris god has frowned upon us, probably for using linux.

Now, keep your link-clicking finger in position for Tuper Tario Tros.!  I neither shat bricks nor came buckets at the idea of this game existing.  No.  I was too busy cumming bricks.  Have you clicked that shit already?  Tetris-fueled platforming?  This is the best thing ever and I—

HHNGGHH it hurts so bad! it’s like passing a square, gritty kidney stone!

Okay, okay.  I’ve got one last example, but I implore those of you with large monitors to keep a garbage bag nearby for this one: First Person Tetris.  The bad news, this isn’t as cool as you probably thought it was going to be, because if you’re anything like me you immediately conjured up thoughts of a Tetris FPS.  I know, that would be the best thing ever, but with a little narcotic magic, the First Person Tetris that does exist can be just as titillating.  Even if you’re not roasting some chestnuts over a bowl (sorry I thought it was Christmas for a second), FPT is a true mindfuck, and it’s a clear example of the diversity of conceptual Tetris.

man, i’m really gonna be sick.


Those crazy Tetris variants are pretty good reasons as to what makes Tetris great, but let’s not forget how great the original game is.  Not the Gameboy Color version, that one kinda sucked.  I’m talking about something more like this.

yeah i have a DS, big whoop you wanna fight about it—okay okay don’t hurt me you can take anything you want you can take my DS.

Tetris DS is like the “Best Of” album for the band we call Tetris.  It’s got like a shitload of the best play modes, and you can play online against real Asians.  It’s occupied many-a hours of my free time, and it’s clearly one of the best games ever.  Tetris, especially the DS version, is so awesome that I’m losing my train of thought, and am now thinking about trains.

But Tetris is so much more than trains!  It’s got everything I like about everything… the colors (7 colors, that’s as many as a rainbow!)… the music (oh my god the music is so good!)… the everything.  It’s just out of control.

So there you have it, Tetris is the best.

yeah sorry i lost my train of thought towards the end of writing this whatever okay get the fuck out now.



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