Mattiesko Investigates: Why Nauru is the Greatest Country of ALL TIME

22 12 2009

This may come off a surprise to you, but my primary source for every article is Wikipedia, as is especially the case for this article.  The wiki page for the Republic of Nauru , in spite of what any English teacher would tell you, is the number one resource for finding anything you were wondering about this proud nation.  And let me just say, this shit writes itself.  Unlike most all of my other blogs, this one is going to be 100% factually correct 100% factually correct according to Wikipedia, and in the case of the grand nation of Nauru, truth is stranger than fiction.  Here are my top five reasons why Nauru is the greatest country of all time (according to Wikipedia!).

5.) Everyone is fucking fat.

That’s right, 90% of Naruan adults are deemed officially overweight, and more than 40% of the population has type 2 diabetes.  Nauru is full of fatties, which is great because fat people are nice and they always have more to love.  Plus it would make you feel great about yourself provided you yourself aren’t a fatty.

check out this nauran supermodel. oh wait that's a dude. nice dress though.

This is probably due to the fact that you can’t jog for more than twenty minutes without hitting the other side of the island.  But in all seriousness this confuses the shit out of me.  Nauru is only 8.1 mi.², and yet it has seven (7) “Australian rules” football teams.  I don’t even know what Australian rules football is, but there’s roughly one team for it per square mile so I don’t see how so many people can be overweight, besides the fact that it’s probably just soccer.

oh. i stand corrected.

4.) No Mormons allowed.

Another huge plus to Nauru is that its government has literally restricted the practices Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints aka the Mormons as well as those of Jehovah’s Witnesses.  This is probably how it got its nickname of Pleasant Island.

But it makes sense really, if you had Jehova’s Witnesses on that island, they could make 20 rounds to the same six houses in a day, and still have enough time to chill on their moon base for a couple of hours before their 8:30 P.M. bedtime.

3.) There’s no income tax.

Every rich American’s dream come true: a country without any income tax whatsoever.   If you were wondering why (and I’m sure you were), it’s because 90% of the country is unemployed.  That’s like if Walmart didn’t exist in America.  Also of the 10% that are employed, the majority of them work for the government.  Imagine only one in ten of the people you knew had a job, and then imagine half of them worked at the same place.  Are you starting to see why Nauru is so awesome?

taken seconds before my monocle fucking exploded in shock.

2.) There is no way to get there.

That is to say, there is no way to get there except by airline.  Due to a giant reef surrounding the island, it has been impossible to establish a sea port, leaving Nauru’s sole airline company as the only way to get on and off the island save for a jet pack.  However, there’s even more of a catch: the airline company went bankrupt in 2006.  So it’s basically living in Nauru is like living in a gated community where someone super-glued the only gate shut… in the sense that no one will ever bother you again.

what is this i don’t even- IT WON’T OPEN!

1.) Where the fuck is Nauru?

If your excitement got the best of you and you actually read the article, you already know the answer to this question, but seriously just think about it.  I quote directly from the Wikipedia page: “Tourism is not a major contributor to the economy, because there is little to see or do here, the climate is very unpleasant, and there are few facilities for tourists.”  I mean seriously.  There are only 2 hotels on the whole island, it has no bodies of water besides the ocean surrounding it, it has no capital, and there are no daily newspapers.  This place might as well be made up.  And that’s what makes it so awesome.  For all you know, Nauru could be in the Bermuda Triangle, or Narnia, or even on a fucking cloud.

oh that is so fucking sweet.

The thing is, if you start telling people that Nauru is actually a bounce house made out of tits floating in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, no one can prove you wrong.  Life on Nauru is what you make of it, which means that it could quite literally be all of your wildest fantasies come true… on an island… oh my god don’t tell me… could it be?

the plane! the plane is on the water!

Nauru could easily be fucking Fantasy Island itself, Ricardo Montalbán and everything.  Just imagine how sweet that would be.  This, in conjunction with the four other things I said, prove that beyond a doubt, Nauru is the greatest country of all time.

and don't you fucking forget it.



5 responses

6 01 2010

Once I hit 18, I’m hiring a private jet and moving there.

6 10 2010

my mum’s from nauru (she’s not fat. i SWEAR)
so i found this blog partly offensive.. but also highly amusing
point 1 made me laugh the hardest

26 11 2012

perfect place to raise my free range slave orphans for fattening up for the long winter ahead. i also hear that you have a wonderfull sluaghter house already installed for when those native use to live there
signing off papa, giuseppe
ps fuck i crack myself up i guess it true what they say you cant spell slaughter with out laughter.

9 04 2013
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26 04 2013

WordPress- it’s in my URL!

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