Friend or Foe: GRAVITY

21 12 2009

Gravity, invented by Sir Isaac “Crip Killa” Newton in 1679, is a terrifying thing; it controls our destiny without regard for our feelings, and we often misunderstand its role in a situation.  The Yahoo! Kids Online Dictionary defines gravity as “The natural force of attraction exerted by a celestial body, such as Earth, upon objects at or near its surface, tending to draw them toward the center of the body.”  But is it friend or foe?  Today, we investigate.


hell yes!

Gravity is the driving force many of the heart-stopping thrill rides that we daredevil adrenaline junkies love: skydiving, jumping on a trampoline, body luging, Acapulco cliff diving, etc.
Clearly, these are all manly as fuck, which means we at least owe gravity something, because there aren’t many super sweet dangerous activities to do that don’t require making what goes up come down or whatever.

As it turns out, when we’re doing supposedly death-defying stunts, we’re not even being remotely defiant.  The fact of the matter is that gravity boils down to a universal law and we’re being forced to obey it.  And if there’s one thing more uncool than obeying the law, it’s being forced to obey the law.  Even if said law fuels your mad skating skills.

this wicked nose grab brought to you by the law... motherFUCK that.


Tits.  I’ll try my hardest not to get started on tits, but without gravity they wouldn’t be half as fucking wonderful as they are now.  Imagine a world without bouncing, without jiggling, without slow-motion jogging.  In a world with no gravity, all tits would do is float.  Actually, floating tits would still be hella awesome… but don’t let that detract from the gravity of this situation! Oh fuck I am just too good.

big bonus if you combine tits and aforementioned trampolines.


Tits.  Wait what?  Oh, right.  Sure tits are awesome when exposed to gravity, but what about when they’re over-exposed?  Then comes the inevitable sagging and general deterioration.  I’m sure you could give the slowly deteriorating human body some credit for this, but look a saggy pair of tits in the eyes and tell me anti-gravity couldn’t have done something about it.

take it away, i can't bear to look!

Gravity is harder to understand than 96% of what comes out of Kanye West’s mouth.  It’s like a volcano make out of calculus problems, and it’s extra hard to solve because- in case you haven’t noticed- gravity is fucking invisible.  I don’t think the A-Team, the Ghostbusters, the Mythbusters, the cast of Scooby Doo, the guys from Police Academy, Space Ghost, Martin Lawrence in Blue Streak, and Monk combined could solve this shit; it’s straight up problematic.  Just look at this shit.

do you understand any of this? fool, of course you don't!

I like my space-time like I like my women: easy and proud.  What does gravity have to do with space-time?  Gravity has everything to do with space-time, that’s just how intense this shit gets.

apparently, gravity likes its women black and confusing. WHOOPI GOLDBERG?!

Pros: extreme sports, make tits rad
Cons: it’s the law, confusing as fuck, ruins tits
Final verdict: Unfriendly Friend-foe
Gravity can be a prick most of the time, but he has his moments.  But just because he’ll invite you to his mansion parties sometimes, or let you go threesome with him and his wife, don’t turn your back on him because he is a sly motherfucker and he’s not afraid to let you know it.



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