Mattiesko Investigates: Why I am ALWAYS the Thimble when I Play Monopoly

19 12 2009

i’ll crack your back for you if you let me have your park place square, bro.

I’m not going to lie, Monopoly is a complex game. There has never been a recorded instance of anyone completing a game of Monopoly without making up a rule of their own or dramatically changing the dynamics of the game by fucking robbing the bank or some shit; I myself am guilty of this from time to time. But there’s one thing that even the most greenhorn-ed Monopolist doesn’t hesitate to lip off about, and that’s the tokens.  It’s all about the tokens.  The g-money.  The shiny.  In order to prove beyond a doubt that the thimble is the superior Monopoly token, I’d like to provide you with some history about this noble game.

Monopoly was invented by the Mayans, who originally used the game to determine who would next be sacrificed to Quetzalcoatl, the Feathered Serpent deity, but their original game design did not feature the concept of tokens, instead calling for the use of assorted trinkets (jaguar teeth, shards of clay, pogs) to be used in lieu of any official game piece.

first monopoly board. getting free parking meant a swarm of locusts came out of the mouth and crawled into your open flesh wounds, of which you had many.

Even as the simple game made its way through the triangular slave trade, the “token” did not make an appearance until the ancient merrymaker resurfaced 200 years later in 1935, when King Moctezuma II’s ghost beamed the concept into the supple mind of up-and-coming British economist John Maynard Keynes during a particularly bad acid trip.

Shortly after using the game to create fundamental economic theory, Keynes took up the pseudonym Charles Darrow and sold his game concept to George S. Parker of Parker Brothers game manufacturing for as much blow as he could stuff into his greedy British pockets, and an oriental. And on December 31, 2009, Monopoly was patented, and its patent called for six player tokens: the iron, the cannon, the thimble, the ship, the shoe, and the top hat.

keynes, you smug motherfucker... HAHA OH MY GOD "COKE-KEYNE" I JUST MADE A JOKE WITHOUT TRYING.

So getting back to the issue at hand, for reasons beyond my comprehension, the fine citizens of the internet have made a chart showing which Monopoly tokens have been included in which of the six billion different versions of Monopoly there have been, and they paint a pretty obvious picture.

Nowadays, your standard Monopoly game bags you 11 metal tokens: the battleship, the cannon, the dog, the horse & rider, the iron, the racecar*, the sack of money, the shoe, the top hat, the wheelbarrow, and of course the thimble.

the gang's all here.

I could bash 10 of these pieces to the fucking ground with my paramount logic straight of the get-go, but finding the perfect piece is much simpler than it looks. For starters, I think it’s safe to say that any piece that was not part of the original game is not the best. That would be like appointing the new guy to the force as the leader of your ragtag CSI unit of loose-cannon cops on the edge with troubled pasts and nothing to lose. You just don’t do that, especially when detective O’Leary just pulled you guys from the case for being too loose-cannon, and the terrorists are about destroy Brooklyn.

i'm sorry i just don't trust that cowboy.

Then, we can eliminate any clothing articles, since those are totally womanly. And the iron since ironing someone’s shirt is the ultimate act of being a bitch.

did i ever mention that this guy is my fucking hero?

…Wait where was I? Oh, right.

*"racecar" backwards is "racecar".

Next, please take into account that the cannon looks like a huge cock.

come on, now.

Now, take into consideration that the battleship falls over every time you so much as fucking breathe on it.

seriously have you ever not knocked the battleship over?

What’s left after all this? The motherfucking thimble. Allow me to return to my first point about the chart. Take a look at that chart. When you’re playing a game of Monopoly, which piece does someone always seems to gravitate toward for some reason? The motherfucking thimble. When you come home early from working the Boardwalk, who do you find in bed with your wife? The motherfucking thimble. When you go directly to jail without passing GO or collection $200, who do you see passing GO and collecting $200?

i think i've made my point.



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